Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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