So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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