you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
