I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
