Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
