I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
