Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
