Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
