I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Ketchup is God's man juice
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
