vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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