I wish I could teleport
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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