What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My ass is underappreciated
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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