I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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