Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
