You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
