she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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