life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
