please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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