Your tits are I can't wait for
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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