it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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