were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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