every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We have started to decorate penises.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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