Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We're too hungover to prance.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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