Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
