i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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