God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Found your dick twin last night
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize