Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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