my vag is so smooth its legendary
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
