No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
