Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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