dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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