Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
