i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
