you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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