I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
