I'm so fucking centered right now
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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