Just fell off a train. Bad.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
