i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
