I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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