Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
