If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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