We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize