i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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