it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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