tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
