Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
