TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
