he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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