youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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