ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
