I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
