oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
