Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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