I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
