News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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