Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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