Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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