True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
