the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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